On this Father’s Day holiday, as I seek out the best model for fatherhood, I turn once again to my favorite American play. For those of you who are not familiar with Our Town — the greatest American play ever written, the play is about life. It’s about growing up in a town with regular people. It’s about falling in love, getting married, and then facing the end of life. One of the reasons I adore the play, is because Thornton Wilder wrote about relationships within families and relationships within the community. And the relationships detailed by Thornton Wilder are oh so very normal and believable and they are as dysfunctional as we are today, with a sprinkling of Norman Rockwell hope for the perfect.
A few words exchanged between George Gibbs and Emily Webb are particularly fitting for today. Emily is having a very honest and direct conversation with her new boyfriend, George. Emily is disappointed in the way George has been treating her, and she tells him:
Emily tells George: I always expect a man to be perfect and I think he should be.
George replies: Oh…I don’t think it’s possible to be perfect, Emily.
Emily responds: Well, my father is, and as far as I can see your father is. There’s no reason on earth why you shouldn’t be, too.
I don’t know, it could just be me, but I think that kind of sets the bar pretty high for fathers.
Our Town was written in the early 1900’s, and so I guess it could be said that fathers were expected to be perfect then.
Fathers are certainly no longer believed or expected to be perfect. In fact, men have it kind of tough these days. There is a somewhat suspicious, hostile attitude in our culture now being directed towards men, and fathers are certainly not exempt from the scrutiny.
I mean, just take a moment to consider the stereotypes of men today. Men are often viewed in the media as bumbling, or as buffoons. Catching Dad doing something wrong or silly often becomes the family joke. We have discussions about Dad Bods and Dad Jokes.
If Dad’s not a buffoon, then he needs to be rich, or super intelligent, or a super handy handyman. Able to fix toys and cars. Able to pick up the dead critters and plunge the toilet, while supervising your math homework.
In 2014, Mitch Albom, author of Tuesdays with Morrie, wrote an article entitled “When Did Fathers Become Expendable?” In the article, Albom addressed the real issue of our changing culture. Because of the way the family structure in America has shifted, Albom feels like fatherhood is shrinking in significance. Because we have one third of our nation’s children being raised without their biological father’s presence, our culture has learned to survive without dads.
I don’t want to get much further into this topic, and I don’t want to throw men under the bus, but I do want to call this what it is. We have a bit of an identity crisis regarding men these days. There are men who have shirked their fathering responsibilities. The arena of misbehaviors by a few have cast suspicion and name-calling on many. You and I both know that there are still a lot of wonderful men out there in the world. Many of the men here this morning have done their very best to be present and involved as an active and appropriate father in their children’s lives. I’m sorry that you feel attacked. I’m sorry that you feel unnecessary at times. Today’s climate has many roles and identities under discussion and observation — including the role of father.
Erma Bombeck wrote light comedy that was read by lots of moms and dads when I was growing up. Erma just had a way of finding the comical in the everyday. And usually her everyday was family-based and family-oriented. And as well as being funny, Erma often wrote straight from the heart. Here is what Erma Bombeck wrote about the role of the father:
My father died when I was nine years old, so I wasn’t really sure what a father was supposed to do. As far as I could observe, fathers brought around the car when it rained so everyone else could stay dry. They always took the family pictures, which is why they were never in them. They carved turkeys on Thanksgiving, kept the car gassed up, weren’t afraid to go into the basement, mowed the lawn, and tightened the clothesline to keep it from sagging. After my husband and I had children, I learned a lot more about what a father contributes to a child’s life.
My husband didn’t feed the kids very often, or change many diapers. He didn’t wipe noses or throw the ball very often. But this is what I watched him do:
He threw them higher than his head until they were weak from laughter. He cast the deciding vote on the puppy debate. He listened more than he talked. He let them make mistakes. He allowed them to fall from their first two-wheeler without having a heart attack. He read a newspaper while they were trying to parallel park a car for the first time in preparation for their driving test.
He's a man who is constantly being observed by his children. They learn from him how to handle adversity, anger, disappointment and success. He won’t laugh at their dreams no matter how impossible they might seem.
But mostly, a good father involves himself in his kids' lives.
A few weeks ago, we celebrated Mother’s Day. A tough day for many of us. For a variety of reasons. The same with today. On these two holidays, our heads swim with love, respect, grief, regret, gratitude and disappointment.
Relationships with our fathers are sometimes quite difficult. They aren’t perfect, Emily Webb, no matter what you thought. But in Our Town, George Gibbs’ parents knew that relationships between children and their parents were difficult.
On the day of George and Emily’s wedding, George Gibbs parents have the following conversation over breakfast.
Dr. Gibbs is reflecting on the mystery of his son getting married as he says:
“ I tell you Julia, there’s nothing so terrifying in the world as a son. The relation of father and son is the darndest, awkwardest —“
At that moment his wife cuts him off with these words:
Julia: “Well, mother and daughter’s no picnic, let me tell you.”
And there we have it from the experts. We haven’t imagined the challenges in these relationships. They are universal, and they are real.
Many of us have heard this statement by Mark Twain —
“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.” — Mark Twain
For decades, fathers around the world have been experiencing that sudden surge in intelligence during that seven-year period of time.
Superman, or bumbling buffoon. Those are just stereotypes. Dads are just real people, trying to do the right thing. In many cases, Dads get through the day the best they can, while trying to provide for the people who share the house with him. Words may not come as easily to Dad as he wished and emotions might get pushed away to be dealt with another day. Dads do their best to protect their kids, and to keep the peace. If your Dad didn’t do that for you, I’m sorry. I happen to believe that if he didn’t, he wanted to. He just didn’t know how.
Like mothers, fathers are far from perfect. But if they could, if they had a magic wand, fathers, just like mothers, would love us as purely and perfectly as the ideal love that we find in this passage in the Bible:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud…Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
I Corinthians 13: 4-8
That is the kind of love our parents hope they showed us. That is the kind of love we parents hope our children see and feel.
So Happy Father’s Day to all of you who have taken on this role: all of you who are step-fathers, fathers-in-law, adoptive fathers, biological fathers, foster fathers, spiritual fathers and mentors, along with the women and men who have been a father figure for any child. Your nurturing has been invaluable.
Thank you for being there for us — even when we didn’t realize it. Thank you for loving us. Amen.
Poet Anne Sexton wrote: “It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.” ~ Anne Sexton. As you step away from this service, focus on the positive. Find the good about your Dad. Take it with you as you go. I choose to remember my father as the one who was always there for me. The one who had a constant, unwavering heart. The one who always loved me.
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