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Forgiveness is the Best Revenge

Writer's picture: Entry Point Faith CommunityEntry Point Faith Community

Tonight begins Yom Kippur, the Hebrew Day of Atonement. Those who observe this Jewish holiday reflect on their past mistakes, resolve to amend their behavior, and ask God and their neighbors for forgiveness. Meanwhile, in the Christian tradition, we have likely seen this passage from the Lord’s Prayer:


“Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.” – Matthew 6:12


If you believe in a God, then you likely believe that your God is all-powerful. Forgiveness is an easy thing for an all-powerful God to do.


For us humans, not so much.


It also may not help that as humans, we have many thoughts about other ways to deal with THOSE WHO TRESPASS AGAINST US. We say words like RETRIBUTION, PUNISHMENT, REVENGE, or EVENING THE SCORE. We have been hurt, and we want to stop the pain somehow.


We know that forgiveness is the right path, but thinking about revenge feels SOOOO GOOOD. We have been hurt, and we want to stop the pain RIGHT NOW.


We think “Revenge is a dish best served cold.” One of the songs you just heard this morning makes a reference to the adage that “Living well is the best revenge.”


How do we get from the anger at being wronged, at being hurt, to the peace of forgiving those who trespass against us?


Psychiatrist Stephen Marmer suggests that there are three types of forgiveness.


Three types of forgiveness

Exoneration

Forbearance

Release


– Stephen Marmer, M.D. UCLA



The first is Exoneration, or wiping the slate clean

The second is Forbearance, where “things get a little complicated”

The third is Release, where we no longer define our life in terms of the ways we’ve been hurt.


Exoneration is easy, and it’s the thing we usually think about as “forgiveness.” A simple example is where if I’m standing in a crowded room and …OW, SOMEONE IS STANDING ON MY FOOT. Once the other person realizes what’s going on, they sincerely apologize for standing on my foot, and more importantly, they STOP STANDING ON MY FOOT.


This is exoneration. The slate has been wiped clean.


Forbearance, like I said, is where things get a little complicated.


What if I’m standing on a crowded room, and someone is literally standing on my foot, and … they apologize, they vow to be more mindful of my personal space, and they’re acting very remorseful, AND THEY ARE STILL LITERALLY STANDING ON MY FOOT?


They say they don’t mean to cause me pain, but they are still standing on my foot. I may have reason to doubt the sincerity of their apology.


There are many less literal examples of forbearance. I suspect you can think of some yourself.


What if a person does more than just stand on our foot? What if someone hurts us in an egregious, life-changing, unforgiveable way?


Unfortunately, I have an example of this from my own personal life. Several years after my son’s father and I amicably separated, I found myself in an abusive relationship.


Domestic abuse is absurdly common in our world today. In the United States, more than 1 in 3 women and more than 1 in 4 men will experience some sort of violence or stalking from an intimate partner in their lifetime. If it has not happened to you, it has likely happened to someone you know. It happens across all communities, across all income levels, and across all types of relationships.


That sort of pain, brought to you by someone who is supposed to LOVE you, who is someone with whom you are bonded to emotionally? I don’t recommend it. It wasn’t fun.


As you can likely surmise, I was able to stage my escape from that situation, and I currently live in a pleasant and peaceful place. But how to we forgive something so complicated?


For me, I sometimes thought about that REVENGE, that RETRIBUTION. And I also knew that wasn’t healthy.


I also know that I’m not wired to do the healthy and correct things. But I can do the right thing for unsavory or impolite reasons.


I’m reminded of someone who began a weight-loss diet so they would look SO MUCH BETTER than their childhood rival at the high school reunion… and then they kept up their healthy habits for years after that. They did the healthy and correct thing for a really catty reason.


On a similar note, my girlfriends and my therapist were helping me to learn how to let go, to “wash that man right out of my hair.” I wanted to be released from the pain. I didn’t want to have the stress of that prior pain affect my ability to do my day job, or to care for my son. I also didn’t want to have the baggage of my prior relationship to interfere with the beautiful vibe I have with my Sweetheart of the past eleven years.


This proverb has come up in both the Old and the New Testament.


“If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the LORD will reward you.” – Proverbs 25:21-22, Romans 12:20


We don’t just hunger for food. Forgiveness is also something that we hunger for.


One interpretation of the above proverb is that the coals are symbolic of God’s judgment or, in my case, of my abuser’s nonexistent remorse. Another interpretation is to extend that idea about feeding your enemy – here’s a fish, and here’s some fire for you to carry to your hearth. Go cook your fish and feed your family. GO ON, GIT!


I think both interpretations are equally valid.


The true joy of this sort of release is that if you wash that hurt right out of your hair, the person who has hurt you is no longer living rent-free inside your head. I am by no means doing this perfectly. But I am doing it well enough that I have exacted the perfect revenge: my abuser no longer hurts me every day, and I’m going to be okay.


I’ll close with another two favorite quotes. One is from the English poet and satirist Alexander Pope:


“To err is human, to forgive divine.” – Alexander Pope (1688-1744), English poet and satirist


The other one is more important, because it comes DIRECTLY from something very close to home. At the time I was exiting that relationship, my daddy helped remind me that taking the high road and doing the right thing is not only correct, … it’s satisfying.


May your life be free from danger and suffering. May you have ease and well-being. Thank you for listening. Namaste.

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