Would you like to know what it takes to be successful? Ten years ago, organizational psychologist, Adam Grant wrote a book called Give and Take. The book details Grant’s research on professional success. Grant studied 3500 businesses over a period of 7 years, and his research has shed light on a crucial element of success, debunking some of our cultural myths:
Grant writes:
According to conventional wisdom, highly successful people have three things in common: motivation, ability and opportunity. If we want to succeed, we need a combination of hard work, talent, and luck. But there is a fourth ingredient, one that is crucial but often neglected: success depends heavily on how we approach our interactions with other people. Every time we interact with another person, we have a choice to make: do we try to claim as much value as we can, or contribute value without worrying about what we receive in return?
In other words, are we takers or givers?
Takers have a distinctive signature: they like to get more than they give. They tilt reciprocity in their own favor, putting their own interests ahead of the needs of others. Takers believe the world is competitive. They feel that to succeed, they need to be better than others. To prove their competence, they self-promote and make sure they get plenty of credit for their efforts.
In contrast, givers tilt reciprocity in the other direction, preferring to give more than they get. While takers tend to be self-focused, paying more attention to what other people can offer them, givers are other-focused, paying more attention to what other people need from them.
These preferences aren’t about money: givers and takers aren’t distinguished by how much they donate to charity or the compensation that they command from their employers. Rather, givers and takers differ in their attitudes and actions toward other people. When takers walk into an interaction with another person they try to get as much as possible from that person and contribute as little as they can in return.
Givers look to help others. Givers prefer to be on the contributing end of an interaction.
Both givers and takers can achieve success. In fact Grant’s research revealed that in successful companies most people who work at the bottom of the company are givers. And yes, sometimes givers get taken advantage of. Sometimes they are overlooked because they are busy promoting and inspiring others. But most people who work at the top of the company are also givers. Those was the bottom tended to give out of fear. The givers at the top gave intentionally. But there’s something distinctive that happens when givers succeed: it spreads and cascades. When takers win, there’s usually someone else who loses. Research shows that people tend to envy successful takers and look for ways to knock them down a notch. In contrast, when givers win, people are rooting for them and supporting them, rather than gunning for them.
“Givers succeed in a way that creates a ripple effect, enhancing the success of people around them.” — Adam Grant
Although Grant’s research takes place in the professional arena, we know that givers and takers impact our personal life and relationships as well.
The story of the Good Samaritan is one of the best-known stories in the Bible, and it has a lot to tell us about givers and takers.
You know the story — a Jewish man is walking down the road and a couple of guys rob him, beat him, and leave him for dead. A couple of people walk by him and don’t help him. In fact, they cross the street to avoid getting involved. Then a Samaritan comes along and stops to help him. So let’s frame the story through the lens of givers and takers:
Takers robbed the Jewish man who was walking down the street minding his own business. Then a priest passes by the wounded man and does nothing. We would certainly expect the priest to be a giver, but in this instance, the priest was a silent observer and lacked the willingness to assist. He neglected the person in need.
The next person to walk by was the Levite, another observer who did nothing to aid the wounded man. He, too, neglected the person in need.
Finally, the Samaritan comes along. Samaritans weren’t well-respected, and they were enemies of Jews. There was tremendous prejudice and animosity between the two groups. But the Samaritan had compassion on the injured man. The Samaritan was a giver — givers have a spirit of compassion. The Samaritan acted on his compassion, bandaging the wounds, placing the wounded man on his animal and walking alongside, taking him to an inn and covering the cost of his care.
The Samaritan showed mercy. That is what givers do. Givers are considerate. Takers engage in neglect. Givers have a spirit of grace, while takers are legalistic. Givers want to live in peace, while takers create disunity. Givers have an attitude of service. Takers have an attitude of entitlement.
We have all had moments of being givers. We have all had moments of being takers. We are all aware of what it feels like after we have taken, and after we have given.
We all know that good feeling that we get when we give of ourselves. When we behave compassionately. When we stop to help someone with a flat tire on the side of the road, or perhaps we help a lost child be reunited with his mother in a crowd, or maybe when the clerk at the store gives us too much money in change, and we give back the excess.
It feels good doesn’t it? It makes us feel better. It renews us. It refreshes us. We believe in things again when we have that feeling. And it refreshes those around us.
Givers have a spirit of generosity, and in Proverbs, we find this verse:
“A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed.” — Proverbs 11:25
One small act of kindness changed British writer Bernard Hare in 1982, when he was a student living north of London. The police knocked on his door, but he didn’t answer because Bernard hadn’t paid his rent for several months, and he figured the police were there to evict him.
But after the police left, Bernard got to thinking about his mother, whose health was not good, and maybe it was something about her. So he went downstairs to the phone booth near his apartment and sure enough his father told him to get home.
Bernard got to the railway station but discovered he had missed the last train. He could get to Peterborough, but would miss the connecting Leeds train by 20 minutes.
Bernard had a plan. He would ride the first train as far as he could then he would steal a car, steal some money and get home. He knew from the sound of his father’s voice, his mother would not live to see tomorrow. He had to get home.
On the train, the guy collecting tickets asked him if he was ok — since he had clearly been crying.
“Course I’m ok. Why wouldn’t I be. And what’s it got to do with you in any case?”
“You look awful. Is there anything I can do?”
“Yeah, get lost and mind your own business.”
The guy sat down and said, “Look, if there’s a problem, I’m here to help. That’s what I’m paid for.”
Bernard realized that the only way to get rid of the man was to tell him the truth.
“Look, my mom’s in the hospital, dying. She won’t make it through the night, and I’m going to miss the connection to Leeds. I don’t know how I’ll get home.”
The guy stood up, said he was sorry to hear the problem, and that he would now leave Bernard alone. And then he left.
10 minutes later the man was back. Bernard thought, oh no, here we go again.
The trainman said, “Listen, when we get to peterborogh, shoot straight over to Platform 1 as quick as you can. They are going to hold the Leeds train for you. As soon as you get on, it will leave.”
Bernard was dumbfounded. What a compassionate gesture. He blurted out “I wish I had some way to thank you. I truly appreciate what you have done.
“Not a problem. Here’s how you can thank me. The next time you see someone in trouble, you help them out. That will pay me back. Then tell them to pay you back the same way, and soon the world will be a better place.”
Author, Joan Marques (mar- kess’) wrote these profound words:
“It’s easier to take than to give. It’s nobler to give than to take. The thrill of taking lasts a day. The thrill of giving lasts a lifetime.” — Joan Marques
Let’s be open to moments to give this week. Let’s take time for compassion. Let’s remember — there is enough. We don’t need to take from others.
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