Christmas is coming — Santa is coming! Baby Jesus is coming! The presents are coming! And the shopping and the wrapping and the decorating are coming too….with the potential for a whole lot of stress to arrive as well.
Every single year, we go through this. We say we are going to spend less on the kids, and then we don’t. We say we are going to decorate less, and then we don’t. We say we won’t get so stressed out, and then we do.
Christmas is a wonderful holiday — it’s Christmas, for crying out loud, and we end up so exhausted that we can hardly enjoy it. What is wrong with us??
Let’s take a few minutes together today, to try to dissect why this most wonderful time of year ends up stressing us out and sometimes leaving us feeling empty, or disappointed, or lonelier than ever.
I think the problem lies in one simple word: expectations. You know how it goes: Every year, we imagine that the Christmas season will be a swirl of joyful holiday parties, decorating the tree, cozy crafting, hanging stockings, surprising loved ones with the perfect gifts, cooking flawless holiday meals, indulging in family vacations, and generally spending blissed-out time against a magical wintry backdrop. But every year, we are surprised when reality rarely aligns with that dreamy expectation. I blame Hallmark movies. And all of the images of the ideal Christmas family, home, presents, meals, clothes and smiles that have filled our heads since we were capable of having memories.
Honestly, things have gotten so stressful over the holidays, that many people do not enjoy the Christmas season — many people actually dread the arrival of Christmas. For many people, Christmas is a massive source of anxiety. Understandably, if a family experiences a tragedy near Christmas, the holiday is never quite the same.The first Christmas without a loved one can be an unimaginable pain, often causing some people to skip the holiday altogether.
Here is what I think happens. When we are children, we love Christmas so much. The magic, the mystery, the Christmas carols, the gifts, the lights. Oh, the lights are just magical.
And, as kids, we didn’t have to do very much — if anything —to make that magic happen. It just happened for us. The whole Santa thing, the gifts, the giving, the extra special smiles, and generosity— that we call the Christmas Spirit. Even if our family of origin didn’t play along well with Christmas, it still felt somewhat magical to us.
As we grow older, we realize it takes a lot of work to get that magical feeling. Since we are now the ones who must generate the magic, it just doesn’t feel the same. And the older we get, the less magical it can feel to us. Yet, we long for the magic of Christmas, no matter how old we are.
And let’s just talk about how Christmas is actually a confusing holiday. Christmas has always been a crazy blend of secular and religious traditions. We talk about Jesus, Mary and Joseph and Santa Claus in the same sentence. It has long been a mass of contradictions and confusion. We talk about giving and taking care of our communities, and then we spend extravagant amounts of money on our own families. We talk about peace on earth, then we stress out and nearly miss the joy of the holiday.
I think my favorite metaphor for the intersection of sacred and secular regarding Christmas happened when I was stuck in traffic on a windy day in Noblesville a few years ago. In one of the outdoor displays on a front lawn, a large air-inflated Santa figure had come loose from its line, and had ended up face down in front of a nativity scene. There was old saint Nick, lying prostrate in front of the Baby Jesus. What a great image to solidify the season.
In fact our confusion of symbols that we use for Christmas here in America has been exported to other countries. James Fallow, until recently the Far Eastern correspondent for the Atlantic Monthly, reports that in one large Japanese department store he came across a display featuring Santa Claus holding the infant Jesus, behind a sleigh pulled by the seven dwarfs.
Well, I don’t want us to feel confused, or exhausted, or stressed out this year. I want us to figure out how to celebrate Christmas without anxiety and stress. I want us to find the magic, the tenderness, the gentleness, the love. I want us to see the eyes of our loved ones sparkle in the Christmas lights. I want us to find a way to enjoy this roller coaster we are getting on.
So — I have three suggestions for all of us —
1. Try to be realistic with our time.
Generally speaking, we are all too busy at this time of year. We need to schedule only the activities that are reasonable for us. We cannot be everywhere we are asked to be. For me it’s like packing a suitcase to go on vacation. If you are like me, you will pack too many clothes. In recent years, I have packed what I think I will need, and then I will set a few items back in the closet. What if we planned what we think we can do, and then cross off a few activities. And then, when we go to parties, or visit friends or family members we should limit our visits if we can. If we keep them short and sweet our stress will be lessened.
Therapist and author Steven Rosenberg tells us that families with poor communication or other stressors can find their relationships break down even further around the stress of the holidays. He suggests that we manage our expectations, and cut ourselves and everyone a little slack.
“Don’t try to make this holiday season the best ever. Set limits and stick to them — and that goes for holiday spending, eating and drinking, and party-going too.” — Dr. Steven Rosenburg
2. Try to be realistic with our money.
I don’t need to tell you that everything costs more than it did last year. I just saw that everything is at least 8% more expensive than last year at this time. The anxiety starts to rise as the bank account goes down. I recently read a guideline for buying gifts for kids. One family suggests the rule of 4 for gifts (excluding stocking stuffers) something you want, something you need, something to wear, and something to read. I like that. It’s simple and effective. And we won’t overspend if we limit our gift purchases.
3. Try to be realistic with the meaning of Christmas.
We are not models with perfect families. We are imperfect, flawed humans who just try to do our best. No one is going to grade our Christmas tree, or our outside decorations, or our meals, or our gifts. No one cares how many parties we attend, or how well we sing Christmas carols. As we prepare our house for Christmas this year, it’s important for us to prepare our
hearts for Christmas. We need to figure out what we would like this time to be like. Realistically. We don’t have to allow Christmas to happen to us, we have some control over how we spend our time and our money. And who we spend our time with. And we have some control over keeping our expectations realistic.
What about this season gives you joy? Focus on that.
Outdoor lights have always been magical to me — since my childhood. My parents took us out for rides in the car to look at Christmas lights, and Marcie and I always put up reindeer and lighted trees in our front yard. That is a priority for us. We do that because we like the joy the lights give us. Lots of homes in our neighborhood decorate their front yards and houses, and it still lifts my mood when I see them, just like it did when I was a kid.
Finally, I think we should take some time for ourselves this season. We need some down-time, especially if we are going to be ramping up our social interactions during this season. We need to set healthy boundaries. We don’t have to say yes to every single invitation.
It’s also important for us to spend time reflecting and pondering what the Christmas season means to us spiritually. We might all feel less stressed if we are able to focus on the gifts that God has given us throughout our lives, and the people God has placed in our lives, that have stood with us through difficult times.
In the book of James we are reminded that
“Every worthwhile gift, every genuine benefit comes from above, descending from the Creator of lights, who cannot change and is never in shadow.” — James 1:17
There is just something in us that longs for the spirit of Christmas to overtake us, because somehow, we know it just helps. It makes us better. It gives us peace. It gives us hope.
My friends, let’s prepare for a wonderful Christmas season. Maybe this Christmas we can focus on what really matters. Amen.
Author and Counselor, Craig Lounsbrough has written:
“Christmas is not a story of hope. It is hope.”
What a lovely set of words to get our hearts ready for Christmas this year.
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