Out of all of what is written In the Bible, I like the parables most, because they are stories of how real people think, feel, act, and talk. Jesus tells this parable in the book of Matthew:
“A man had two sons. He went up to the first and said, “Son, go out for the day and work in the vineyard.” The son answered, “I don’t want to.” Later on, he thought better of it and went. The father gave the same command to the second son. The son answered, “Sure, glad to,” but he never went. Which of the two sons did what the father asked?”
Matthew 21: 28—32 (The Message)
Well, I have to say both of those kids don’t win any awards. The first one, who said I don’t want to, was initially disrespectful and stubborn. The second one sounds all too familiar. How many of you have been expecting someone to show up for an event, and they aren’t there? They may even text you— “I’m on my way”— or “I’m just down the street” - “I’m looking for a place to park” — and they never show up.
Telling someone you will do something, and then failing to do it is an example of not following through. It’s an example of a lack of commitment. It’s an example of not being impeccable with your word. It is an example of people-pleasing. It’s an example of not knowing how to say NO properly.
What I love about this passage is the reality of it. This is not just a description of people back in the Bible days. This is an example of what happens when we don’t use the simple word: NO.
NO — I don’t want to spend my time doing that. No, I don’t want to go there. No, I don’t want to be around those people. NO — I won’t give in to peer pressure and do what you want me to do. NO — you can’t just wander into my office and look at my stuff.
A few weeks ago, I saw this post on FB, which inspired this service:
NO-vember —a reminder to say NO to the things, people, and places that steal your joy and drain your energy.
N.O. No. Two simple letters. One simple word. But sometimes it is so difficult to say no. For many people saying no is packed with guilt. Maybe we are afraid of disappointing someone. Maybe we are anxious and afraid to turn down our boss’s request. Or maybe we are people pleasers.
Whatever the reasons, learning how to say no is an important skill for our health and well-being. Our time and energy are precious resources that we should use wisely. And that means we can’t do everything.
For many of us, the hesitance to say no began in our childhood. (Well, after the first few years when NO was our favorite word.) Many of us were taught to be polite and forthcoming. If a parent or teacher asked a child to do something, saying no was interpreted as a form of backtalk. In some cases refusing an adult meant punishment or negative reinforcement. As a result, we grow up believing that saying no is bad, and then we carry into adulthood an inability to speak up for ourselves.
Another reason we might find it difficult to say no is if we doubt ourselves. We might have imposter syndrome and feel like we are not good enough to do the role we are in.
As a result, we avoid saying no to others, because we don’t want them to think we can’t do our job. It also makes it difficult to say no to ourselves. We might feel like we have to say yes to prove to ourselves that we can do our job.
Then there is empathy and social connection to consider. We are social creatures, relying on human connection. Because of our need to belong, we are afraid to disappoint others or create conflict.
In a study from the University of Waterloo, people were asked to carry out tasks that went against their ethics. Although they voiced their objections, half of the subjects agreed to deface a library book, because they were unable to say NO.
This kind of behavior shows our inherent desire to avoid conflict and keep the peace. But is it possible that our need to be liked can do us more harm than good?
Consider this: If we struggle to say no, we need to learn to identify some personal boundaries that are for our own good.
A mother said to me the other day, “My daughter thinks I don’t respect her personal boundaries. Or at least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
We should certainly say NO if we are in a situation that feels uncomfortable, or if we feel guilty or obligated, or when we are overloaded. When we have too much on our plates, committing to even more is the wrong thing to do. And that season of being overloaded is upon us. We have entered the holiday zone when stress and anxiety become our constant companions. We can reduce some of the stress by learning to say NO to some of the holiday plans.
It is important to say NO for our own happiness and well-being. Sometimes we just need to do less so we can deliver more. When we are able to focus on one thing at a time, we can do that one thing well. We can produce much higher quality work when our energy is directed into projects we enjoy.
Saying no helps our career and professional goals. Saying no helps our mental well-being. Our mental fitness suffers when we bite off more than we can chew. Saying no helps prevent burnout.
So, I have learned that sometimes we need help in how to say things. Not only on the stage, but sometimes in real life we need to know our lines — what should I say here?
Here are some lines that will help you to say NO in the future:
Sadly, I have something else going on.
I have another commitment.
I wish I could.
I’m honored you asked me, but I simply can’t.
No thank you, but it sounds lovely.
We don’t necessarily owe someone a full explanation about why we are saying NO. Sometimes, simply saying no and not going into further detail can help us to come across as calmer and more decisive.
Learning to say NO is asserting ourselves, protecting ourselves, and loving ourselves.
Advice from author Anna Taylor: “Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious. You get to choose how you use your time. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept.” — Anna Taylor.
My friends, learning to say NO is learning to say YES to our well-being. Amen.
International health and life coach, Stephanie Lahore writes these powerful words:
“Let today mark a new beginning for you. Give yourself permission to say NO without feeling guilty, mean, or selfish. Anybody who gets upset or expects you to say yes all of the time clearly doesn’t have your best interest at heart. Always remember: You have a right to say no without having to explain yourself. Be at peace with your decisions.” — Stephanie Lahore
Let’s try to practice some of what we learned today, so we can get through this holiday season with as much joy, energy, and peace as possible.
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