Several weeks ago Beth sent me this meme. Stop saying sorry for: being busy and owning your time, not being perfect always, setting boundaries for yourself and crying or showing emotion.
I like the message of this meme — which is basically: don’t over-apologize. Sometimes we end up saying I’m sorry out of habit. And then like all habits, we tend to repeat it. We get so used to saying “oh — sorry,” that we start speaking with an apologetic voice all of the time.
Research shows that women tend to over-apologize more often than men, but no matter your identity, psychologists caution that saying sorry all the time can undermine our authority and even impact our self-esteem.
We women sometimes apologize for non-offenses and ask for permission to be heard — sometimes in the same breath —“I’m sorry, but would it be okay if I said something?”
We use qualifiers such as “just”, (I just had a thought) suggest to others that our ideas are bad (this may be off-base, but…) and diminish our own expertise and wisdom. (You definitely know more than I do, but…) So I have just a few words for us. We need to cut it out.
But in all honesty, I think this is an example of an even greater issue. Over-apologizing and diminishing our expertise and wisdom are just a few of the ways that we make ourselves small, so that other people can feel bigger.
All of us — men and women — can fall into the trap of diminishing ourselves, softening or giving away our voices altogether, sometimes.
We shrink ourselves for a variety of reasons and causes. Have you ever said anything like these phrases before:
“You disagree with the article I shared on Facebook? I’m so sorry I offended you, Aunt Sarah. I’ll delete it.”
“You’d rather go to the mall than the zoo next weekend? That’s fine. I don’t really care to see the new orangutan exhibit, anyway.”
“You want the last piece of pizza? Go ahead! Take it! I’m not that hungry.”
Statements such as these are made in an effort to avoid conflict. And boy, we do all kinds of things to avoid conflict, don’t we?? — unhealthy things — so many that I don’t have time to discuss this today.
Do you also pretend your feelings and desires aren’t valid because they make someone else uncomfortable?
Well, again, I have just two words for us: STOP IT. This message today is our formal authorization to stop shrinking ourselves. Here’s the problem: every time we say, “it’s ok” when it’s really not, we train ourselves to think it is. Little by little we chip away at our own value until our self-esteem is in crumbs. With every unwarranted “I’m sorry”, our true self slips further and further into the shadows. And when we give the okay for our minds to beat ourselves up like that, we teach others that they can, too.
We shrink ourselves when we try to fulfill the expectations of other people, and doggone it, we just want people to like us. So we go along with what we think is expected, because we are people-pleasers. Oh, my friends, this is such a tricky issue.
When we have to shrink and dodge and hide who we really are, we are denying the very person we are, with our unique personality and drive and passion and beautiful soul.
Here’s an idea for reshaping the word sorry in our vocabulary: when we are tempted to apologize unnecessarily for everything we do, replace the word “sorry” with “thank you.”
Instead of “sorry for being late” — try thanks for waiting.
Instead of “sorry for complaining” — try thanks for listening.
Instead of “sorry for the mistake” — try thank you for catching that.
You have seen a few video clips today that may have you scratching your head. What do these video clips have to do with whether or not I should say, “I’m sorry?” Well, buckle your seatbelt, we are going to tackle that right now.
Sometimes traditional institutions in our society contribute to our over-apologetic diminutive shrinking of ourselves. Some — certainly not ALL — traditional church practices, beliefs and expectations can have an negative impact on both men and women, not only with gender role expectations, but with the demanding subservience to God expected and preached. Sadly, church can be a place where we learn to suppress ourselves instead of flourishing with our gifts. Church can be a place where we learn to despise ourselves instead of learn to love ourselves. It depends on how the church we attend depicts and describes and refers to God. Again, I am not here to bash traditional churches. I am talking about the places that sometimes get us all twisted around, by control and manipulation, modeling hate and judgment instead of love.
There is such a thing as Old Testament churches and New Testament churches. The Old Testament is the first division of the Christian Bible.
It is a collection of books which explains the history of the creation of the World, the exodus of Israelites, and the Ten Commandments given to Moses by God. Old Testament churches are more heavy-handed.
They reference God as a vengeful, angry judgmental being whose role in our lives is control, punishment, and correction. As a result the leaders and congregations in an Old Testament church also view their role in everyone’s lives as control, punishment and correction.
The New Testament is the second division of the Christian Bible. It is focused more on the life and teachings of Jesus. New Testament Churches teach us about a loving, compassionate God who offers us hope and grace. As a result, the leaders and congregations in a New Testament church also view their role in everyone’s lives as loving and compassionate.
And so, what happens? First of all, we don’t really know which kind of church we are attending when we first walk in the door. No one advertises: “this is a new testament church.” Or “come on in, we will judge and suppress you — our God is a vengeful God.”
But once we get the feel of a church, we sometimes leave. We don’t like it, we can’t always articulate it, but we leave. And we take what people have demanded of us there, and we believe that is what God has demanded of us. Oh, religion can be such a difficult thing sometimes.
I think this is why some people who love God and try to live an honorable life of compassion and grace don’t want to be called Christians.
Here is a thought: what if we tried to figure out how God fits into our lives without being suppressed and judged. Without expectations? Kind of like how we do it here, at Entry Point.
In the book of Romans, (which is in the New Testament) we are encouraged with these words:
“Do not be shaped by this world. Instead be changed within by a new way of thinking. Then you will be able to decide what God wants for you.” — Romans 12:2 (International Children’s Bible)
Let’s adopt this verse as a mantra. Do not let others shape us. Let’s change our thinking and investigate God on our own.
My friends, when we diminish ourselves, we diminish all that we are, and all that we could be. We are a creation unlike any other on Earth. We were wonderfully and beautifully knitted to be a masterpiece, woven with breathtaking shades of color that cannot be replicated.
We only have a certain amount of years in this life to put every inch of our gorgeous self on display. Would we pluck the Mona Lisa off the wall and shove it in the cobwebbed corner of our closet? Obviously not, because it’s priceless artwork and it deserves to be appreciated.
We are a work of art, too.
So, let’s stand up. Let’s stop living silently.
Let’s stop saying “it’s okay” when it’s not.
Let’s stop making ourselves smaller so others can feel bigger.
Let’s be who we are meant to be, for we are glorious. Amen.
Elesa Commerse, International Meditation and Mindfulness Instructor writes:
“You are here to inhabit yourself. It is not selfish. Don’t we want the oak tree to be the oak tree? The sun to be the sun? (Sun, please don’t be the moon!) There is one of you in all eternity. Inhabit yourself.” — Elesa Commerse
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