October 29th of last year I stood up here and openly declared my admiration and love for Ted Lasso. If you weren’t here and don’t subscribe to Apple TV I need to quickly explain that Ted Lasso is a series with Ted Lasso as the star.
The short summary is that Ted Lasso is an American football coaching who ends up coaching soccer for a fictional AFC Richmond. The owner of the team is Rebecca who is focused on enabling the team to fail to spite her unfaithful ex-husband. Ted Lasso has been a source of inspiration to me, back in October we talked about the Power of Positivity. For part two I would like to share the insight on Second Chances that I received from the show. I need to do a quick Public Service Announcement. There may be things that people have experienced that are unforgiveable like trauma or abuse. I am not a therapist and therefore I am not trained to determine when or if forgiveness is appropriate in these extreme situations. I do know that there many less traumatic situations where forgiveness can be helpful to both the forgiver and the person being forgiven.
I also know that Ted the person and Ted the show not only believe in forgiveness but they also take it one step further to convey the magic of giving second chances. Meaning, it’s not just about apologies but it’s also about re-establishing trust to the point where we put our faith in the person enough to give them a second chance.
Because I not only like happy endings but also happy beginnings and happy middles, one character in Ted Lasso was not a favorite for me the first time around. (But remember, I watched it way more than once.) His name was Nate, he starts the series out as the Kitman for AFC Richmond. The Kitman is a position within a sports club, they take care of player equipment. Almost instantly Ted recognizes Nate as an important member of the club in simple ways: by asking and then remembering his name and asking for his thoughts on the club and the game. While his position was relatively low in the hierarchy of “football” Nate had great ideas that contributed to the team’s success. Ted may have realized this early on because he gave Nate a level of respect that he had not experienced previously. Nate “repays” his kindness by ripping up a poster in the locker room that was the club’s inspiration for the season. While Ted easily forgives Nate, his friend and assistant coach, Coach Beard is not as easy to forgive. Take a look:
Let me repeat Ted’s words to Coach Beard: “I hope that either all of us or none of us are judged by the actions of our weakest moments, but rather by the strength we show when and if we’re given a second chance.” I encourage you to think of a time when you were given a second chance. What did that mean to you? How did that make a positive difference in your life. When have you given someone the gift of a second chance?
In an article by Susan Krause Whitbourne in Psychology Today she talks about Four things that forgiving someone and giving them a second chance can do for the forgiver:
You feel happier when you forgive someone else. A cross-national study supported research that suggests that being generous with forgiveness pays off in terms of your own emotional benefits.
People can change. People can learn from their mistakes—and when you give them a second opportunity, you allow them to demonstrate this. Some of you may know that I spent most of my working life in Human Resources. In my opinion a good HR person is focused on the development and growth of people, not the punishment of people. Of course, there are things that people are terminated for immediately, like being impaired by drugs or alcohol on the job or stealing. This is called being terminated “for cause”. But there are also mistakes people make that are forgiven as long as the employee admits their mistakes and works toward better habits or behaviors. Like being late to work. We had what is called progressive discipline where there is a verbal warning, then a written warning etc… That is because we had the hope that through awareness and coaching people could improve. We found that at least 50% of the time giving someone a second chance combined with coaching and support proved very successful.
When I did Part 1 of this message I shared the power in positivity that Ted Lasso the show and Ted Lasso the character had. Maybe that positivity was the result of his ability to forgive and his belief that people really could change. Nate’s storyline in Ted Lasso also reveals that this is not the first time that Ted has been generous with forgiveness
I’d like to share a few more of Susan Whitbourne’s insights on why forgiving is good for the forgiver.
It’s practical and saves emotional energy. You gave your mechanic the job of fixing a defective valve and now it’s broken again. You could hire someone else to fix the fix, but that person will know less than the mechanic who tried the first time. Or, your previous romantic partner may have done things that caused you to break up, but when you start with someone new, you’re back to square one. Once your anger subsides, pushing the “reset” button on the first partner may just give you greater insight and appreciation for that relationship.
You’d like people to treat you the same way. Turn the tables and imagine that it’s you who needs the second chance. Wouldn’t you feel better if you were given an opportunity to try again?
Matthew 18: 21-22 says "Peter came to Jesus. He asked, 'Lord, how many times should I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?' Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but 77 times'"
In my opinion, parenting requires the skill of giving second, third and yes, even 77 chances. With a whole lot of those second chances being given when kids are between the ages of 13 and 23, don’t you agree? Before he was married, my son Hank, who along with his wife and son, now live with Dave and I, was once picked up from his University after dropping out and making some pretty serious mistakes. On the way home from the University we dropped him off at the local Dairy Queen along with a few necessities and we told him to “figure it out”. I will repeat that he and his family now live with us. (Second Chances) I am not even sure how many chances we have given that boy, but we see growth and maturity and he truly has shown strength when given second chances.
I think being a grandparent is actually a second chance. Being a parent might just be practice for being a grandparent. A few weeks ago, I was taking Zayne to his first movie at the theater. We were actually going to Flix Brewhouse where you can eat more than just popcorn. I started talking about it a few days before the movie. He was so excited since we were going to Paw Patrol which is his favorite thing other than the solar system and planets. The morning of the movie I told him that I would pick him up right after Pre-k and take him to the movie. We are also potty training so I wanted time for that last bathroom stop before the movie. We were both pretty excited when I picked him up. We were about halfway there when he said that he wanted to go home. Now, if my kids did that when they were his age I would have gone ballistic. Probably yelling at them about how much I paid for the tickets and how we had been talking about this all week. I may have even said, “If I have to pull this car over…” but this was my second chance, so I calmly asked him if he was scared. He quietly said yeah, so I told him what was going to happen and what the theater would look like. I explained that we would order food and eat it in big comfy chairs in the theater while we watched the movie on a gigantic screen. Apparently staying calm and trying to figure out what he was thinking and feeling worked, and he was again excited to see Paw Patrol.
We got to the theater, took care of the bathroom details and found our seats. Then we ordered our food along with chocolate milk for him and a glass of wine for me. He was patient through a lot of previews for upcoming movies and finally the movie started. Life was good. He saw all of his favorite characters and there were cameos by the solar system and meteors. I was already practicing my "Nana of the Year" speech when it happened… one of his favorite Paw Patrol characters encountered trouble. Her name is Skye. She is the pup that has the superpower of being able to fly. The bad person had taken away her superpower and she was in danger. As soon as this happened he became adamant that he really wanted to go home. Again, if it would have been the younger me I would have said something like, “You are going to sit there and watch this movie and you are going to enjoy it!” Instead, I could tell that he was afraid for Skye so I told him that I knew for a fact that Skye was going to be fine. I told him that I was sure that she would get her superpowers back and rescue the city. Of course, I didn’t REALLY know that, but there was no way that a kid’s movie was going to have a bad twist like that so I went with my gut. He felt much better and wanted to stay. The movie ended without incident, and we left with a tummy full of popcorn and a heart full of gratitude that I got a second chance of making a difference in the life of a child.
The world is full of Nate’s and Hank’s and Zayne’s who need a second chance. Truth is that each one of us is a Nate or a Hank or a Zayne. Let’s do our best to offer the gift of a second chance to others.
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