Although I know I shouldn’t, I sometimes make assumptions about people and events and places. We all do. I don’t know about you, but I make assumptions, which turn into judgments, because I think I know what is going on in everybody’s head. I am that good. And I bet you are too!
A former Sargent in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him, and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at this desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead silence….the rest of the year went very smoothly.
What you don’t know.
I am pretty sure those students made some new assumptions about their new teacher. Making assumptions is part of the way we reason our way through our day. The trouble comes in, when we think we know exactly what is going on. We see something, and then we add to it with our imaginations, and pretty soon, we have a whole backstory and a feature film rolling through our brain. The danger comes when we start to believe our creation. And it affects how we behave around that person.
So why do we do this? Why do we make assumptions and judgments? Dr. Maria Sirota writes:
“I think that it’s part of human nature to base our understanding of other people and the world, not just on the facts we observe but to a greater or lesser extent on what’s going on inside of us, psychologically.”
In other words, we base our understanding of people and events on what we observe and what we know for a fact, but we also love making judgments based on our emotions, beliefs, expectations and wishes.
Sirota’s words are supported by these words found in the Talmud:
“We do not see things as they are, we see them as we are.” The Talmud
One technique to help us get back to what is reality instead of a made-up assumption, is to ask ourselves a simple question: How do I know this?
I don’t have any idea why that woman came to a complete stop in the middle of the aisle in the grocery story, but I sure can make an assumption. I will never know why that car came barreling up the non-existent lane to our right, narrowly missing three cars, but Marcie filled in with a very merciful assumption: “I hope he is rushing his pregnant wife to the hospital right now…..”
Like the phrase "Look Before You Leap" the Bible cautions us against making assumptions with these words:
“Give an answer before hearing the question, and you’ll suffer folly and shame.”
— Proverbs 18:13
The book, The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz (show book) written by Don Miguel Ruiz, is a book that invites us to transcend social conditioning and discover our personal power and learn to live with clear intent and impeccability. The Four Agreements guide us on how to achieve just that. In the past, I have spoken about two of the agreements: Be impeccable with your word, and Do Your Best. As you might imagine, I bring all of this up today, because one of the four agreements is Don’t Make Assumptions.
Of this agreement, Ruiz writes: “The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth! We invent a whole story that’s only truth for us, but we believe it. One assumption leads to another assumption; we jump to conclusions, and we take our story very personally…We make assumptions, we believe we are right about our assumptions, and then we defend our assumptions.”
Ruiz would like us all to begin to break the habit of making assumptions so that we can have a better life. Making assumptions actually backfires on us. You want to know how? Ruiz tells us that we make assumptions because we are too afraid to ask questions. If Miss Daisy had postponed her assumption about her chauffeur stealing her salmon, and instead, waited until he got to work and ASKED him about the missing salmon, the whole issue would have been resolved. What you don’t know….
We don’t ask the questions that we need to ask, and then we fill in with assumptions. It’s really a communication problem in many cases. Somewhere along the line, we got the idea that it is not SAFE to ask questions. We get so good at making assumptions that we ultimately assume that everyone sees life the way we do. We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, and judge the way we judge.
The gentleman was parked in front of the mall wiping off his car. He had just come from the car wash and was waiting for his wife to get out of work. Coming his way from across the parking lot was what society would consider a bum.
From the looks of him, he had no car, no home, no clean clothes, and no money. There are times when you feel generous but there are other times that you just don’t want to be bothered. This was one of those “don’t want to be bothered times.”
“I hope he doesn’t ask me for any money,” the gentleman thought. He didn’t. He came and sat on the curb in front of the bus stop, but he didn’t look like he could have enough money to even ride the bus. After a few minutes he spoke.
“That’s a pretty car,” the bum said.
He was ragged but he had an air of dignity around him. The gentleman said, “Thanks,” and continued wiping off his car.
The bum sat there quietly as the gentleman worked. The expected plea for money never came. As the silence between the men widened, the gentleman suddenly blurted out: “Do you need any help?”
He answered in three simple, profound words. “Don’t we all?”
The gentleman was feeling high and mighty, successful and important, above everybody, until those three words hit him like a ton of bricks.
“Don’t we all?”
There is very little that separates us all. Yet our assumptions and judgments about each other drive us far apart. We just never really know what is going on inside of the other person. And if we don’t ask, we are left to make dangerous and usually faulty assumptions.
What you don’t know.
My friends, we need to be more compassionate and more understanding towards each other. The most beautiful gift a human being can give to another human being is grace. By that, I mean a huge pass.
If we could only see others the way God sees us, we would not be so likely to make assumptions, or snap judgments. Instead, we would see others with the love, grace and acceptance that God has for each of us.
Things are not always as they seem. We just don’t always know what is going on, and it’s what you don’t know that can cause us all some problems.. Amen.
Televangelist, Pastor and Author, Joel Osteen has been credited with these powerful words: “Your job is not to judge. Your job is not to figure out if someone deserves something. Your job is to lift the fallen, to restore the broken, and to heal the hurting.”
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